A package delivered

I was sitting at work today playing around on my laptop when the mail lady came. She handed me the stack of mail and was on her way. My boss was up in her office and it was a good thing: the top letter was one addressed to me. Well, that's not completely true, it was addressed to the fake name by that I go by which would have been confusing had someone other than me been there.

It's not the first time either. Last week he sent a package to work addressed to fake me, but I knew it was coming, I kept an eye out for it, so I didn't have to explain to all my co-workers "oh this? this is from a man across the country who likes to hand write me letters about how amazing my areolas are and likes to send me copious amounts of lingerie," because to be honest, I wasn't sure that would go over so well. Especially when I added the bit about how "I didn't want to give him my HOME address, what if he was a psychopath? So much better for creeper to know THIS address" although to think of it now, if he wanted to kill me having my work address isn't so much different from my home. I mean, I go there 5 days a week. Yeah, actually. Damn.

But still. Do you know how long its been since I've had a new bra? Those fuckers are expensive. So yeah, I leapt at the chance for some strange man to buy a new home for my girls.

Of course it's never easy trying to juggle two lives. The day the package was supposed to arrive, I hovered, hoping to be the first to intercept our FedEx guy. He never showed. Then it was my day off. Crap. I confided in another co-worker, "oh by the way, this name you don't recognize is me. Don't ask. And certainly don't Google it." Of course it didn't come that next day either.

And what a package it was when it finally did show. I was expecting a pliable envelope with a bra inside. Instead I was presented with a giant box filled with bras and panties and thongs and lotions and my GOD were some of them weird. The freaky thing was that they were all Victoria's Secret brand. Who knew they sold things like hot pink fishnet with purple lace trim thongs?

I didn't take a picture of the most outrageous (because they don't actually look good on) but this one I thought was interesting:

I mean, its certainly wearable. And who am I to complain, right? It's free and it's not Granny Panties from Walmart which is what I can afford at the moment. So I'll just say that there are a lot of things going on there. Like stripes AND bows AND lace AND pink AND purple AND white AND frankly, it looks like I'm covering my vagina with the circus.

But I'm being a cynical bitch. Some of it was quite lovely. The bras fit amazingly: I have cleavage up to my nose in the things. And some of the panty styles were A-ok in my book:

Whatever, I like the little ass cut out.

Back to the letter today, now that you have the context. More waxing poetical about my tits. Telling me how he wants to use the lotion he provided in the box (VS: Flirty Peony and Waterlilly which totally smells like my Grandma) to rub me down and give me a back massage. How I'll "have to come out west and visit sometime."

*sigh*

Don't ruin a good thing, honey. This relationship is perfect the way it is. You send me gifts and I exchange fairly shallow pleasantries with you. The end.

(Note: for those of you wondering why I have photos of myself to share, its a fairly standard practice that if you buy an internet model a present she will repay your kindness by sending back photos for your eyes only of the gift in use. [I will pose for some too hot to handle photographs of myself cooking dinner on the stove for anyone who wants to pay my gas bill this month] I happened to be shooting with a photographer friend this past weekend and I brought some of the box goodies along to snap some shots as a thank you.)