What do you call a girl who can't make it as a stripper?

Poor. Very. Very. Poor.

Yeah so as it turns out, stripping is WAY more emotionally taxing than I thought it would be. I admit that dancing is hard work, but I've been taking pole classes and I find it very enjoyable. And what better way to use your newfound pole dance skills than to take it to the club and shake your ass for some dollar bills? Really, the whole thing seemed to make sense.

And then I walked into the club.

Good lord. Those girls. It was like, not a single one could look you in the eye. Not for shame; I mean not one was sober enough to be able to actually look you in the eye. I went back into the dressing room and watched a girl try to put on lipstick for over 15 minutes because she kept missing her mouth she was so out of it. But as I walked onto the floor, I saw why. The ass grabbing and titty groping, yeah, that I expected. But i watched guys restrain the girls heads and shove their tongues in their mouths. I saw them take their dollars and reach around, burying their hands in the crotch of the g string, and not the string that was offered. How do you tactfully handle that?

And then the dancing. God. My issue is that I am a dancer. So I got up on that pole and I danced. I moved to the music. What i did not do was lay on the ground, spread my legs, and smack my labia over and over. Listen, I am a healthy twentysomething with, what some might say, is a overly healthy sex drive. And in my entire existence - from the moment I discovered masturbation till RIGHT NOW - I haven't touched my own vagina as much as those girls touched themselves in one song. Also, that thing every stripper can do where they can clap their ass cheeks together? I can't do that.

And even after all that, I was still like, ok, well, I can learn to love my labia, maybe I can work here one night a week. But I inquired and was pretty much told, yeah honey, you don't have what it takes.

Can I just say how humiliating it feels to be told "you are not good enough to be a stripper." I mean, let's be honest, I think in the back of every girl's mind there is the thought, lurking, that well, if it ever comes down to it, i can rub my tits in a guys face for money'. But no, Craftitute, you can't. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR STRIPPING.

This on the heels of being turned down by a grocery store for a cashier position because I didn't "have the skills or qualifications" they were looking for. Uh what? You just make change and press buttons! I HAVE A DEGREE. I CAN DO BASIC MATH. It's really enough to make you want to jump off a bridge. Or go occupy something.

What totally sucks though is that I had come up with a plan. I was going to work two or three nights a week somewhere (like a strip club) make as much as I do at my stupid job now (only $300! Surely you can make $100 a night a strip club) and use my free days to volunteer at one of the museums in town and the zoo. Because I realized I miss working in museums. And I can't get a job because I have no network. So if I had the time to spend a year volunteering, then they would know me and I would know when jobs are open and I could at least get an interview. But without working for free, I think I'm screwed. And I can't afford to work for free unless I can work off hours somewhere else.

Or I will find my tent and go occupy wall street.