It turns out I'm terrified

So once the flower show gig ended, I decided to go back to fetish club. I didn't want to. In fact, the night before I woke up in a cold sweat dreaming about the groping and the men and just the entire disgusting process. But you know, gotta pay the bills.

I had also gone into overdrive making my flower art. Partly because it was spring and I finally had some flowers and partly because I needed something to calm myself down. I was quickly heading towards a nervous breakdown.

And then something happened. I posted on an Etsy forum and caught the eye of an administrator. I was going to be featured! Finally, I was going to sell some art.

I called out of working at the club. I was so excited to not get pawed at and instead ran home after work to make as much art as possible so that I could sell it. I think I didn't sleep that whole weekend. And then the feature went up. And I didn't have a single sale. Awesome. So the next week found me at the fetish club in my best "sexy spring fling" attire, feeling like a piece of meat. Look, I don't give a good lapdance, okay? So why can't you just be happy sucking on my toes. Good god. I just can't.

I can't decide if the reason I can't do it anymore is because I'm getting older and therefore it is less appealing or if it is because I've just been at it so long I've run out of patience. I got an email this week from the club director telling me that I was booked for a "private session". This essentially means that you come in during off hours and you have to entertain your customer for an hour long session.

I knew who the guy was. He is the one from my hometown. The one who has halitosis and wants to make out all the time. The one who is so old he can't get hard, yet keeps you there until he can make himself get off. No, I did not want to go spend an hour, unattended, with this man. Especially knowing full well that the club takes a good portion of the fee and the girl only gets $100 plus tip. Now yes, I know girls who get tipped upwards of $500, but I'm guessing my willingness (or rather, lack thereof) wouldn't net me anything close to that. Not worth it.

I have started a business. An although we joke about doing it topless so we can charge more, it isn't sex related. At all! Instead I've partnered with a coworker/friend to start a gardening business in the city. I'm certainly not raking it in, but I'm eating. And keeping busy. And - wait for it - USING MY DEGREE.