Socially Inept.

Another foot party. Another weird, weird night.

Two different guys offer you today's reading material: The submissive and headlamp guy.

First the submissive:

This guy, he is the the king of the socially awkward. I was eating dinner and the moment I finished he was there, asking me if he might take my plate. Total gentleman, right? And he would have been, if he then didn't proceed to crawl away with it. On his hands and knees - that sort of crawling. 

Later, he comes up to me, telling me I am so beautiful, so German looking (seriously, German looking?) that we have to session. Ok, fine. So we go off to a couch and I sit down and he hands me a mirror. He apparently gets off on women looking at themselves. And then he starts licking my boots (literally!) and saying how sexy my Nazi boots were. Nazi boots?

My Boot

Hitler

Not exactly, though I'm sure the Nazis would have had a much better go of things if they had worn a cute kitten heel. 

So then he asks me to put on lipstick and I know that he likes to be humiliated. So I call him stupid and worthless and he asks me to step on his face with my boots on which I do. And then he says "you're so pretty. I bet you were popular. Just like Regina George." Thats when one of the other girls in the room (who was in a session of her own) starts creaking up. The whole time, I had been rolling my eyes and shoot her looks because this guy was just so weird, but at this point she actually loses her shit and laughs. It took me a moment - what was he talking about. And then I realize: oh my god, Regina George.

Regina George

He is actually comparing me to a imaginary 17 year old queen bee. Amazing! Then he starts this deluge of weird compliments: my skin is so pale, he wants to buy me Uggs, I look so un-American.

What, exactly, is un-American?

Oh but this next guy. I have never actually sessioned with him. I've tried all the tricks: engaging conversation, laughing at his odd jokes, pretending that I give a shit when he talks and talks and talks... No go. But he does make a point to come up to me and say hello almost every party. Usually he does and then wonders away mid-conversation. We call him headlamp guy because when he does session he puts on a miner's hat and inspects every inch of your foot. So. Strange. And this night... oh my god.

Him: Hello, Craftitute.
Me: Oh hey there.... you (I have no idea what his name is). 

Him: You know that band? They sang a song with your name in it.

Me: Yes they did. 

Him: I had a friend named Craftitute. She got pregnant at 17 and stopped being our friend because she thought she was so much better than us.

Me: Oh thats weird. 

Him: Why?

Me: Well, she was 17.... i mean, thats not a good thing...I.. er... well kids just aren't my thing.

Him: You don't want kids?!

Me: Not at all.

Him: But you've babysat before.

Me: Huh? yeah, I've babysat. Thats why I know I don't want kids, haha.

Him: Did you ever babysit boys?

Me: Yes.

Him: Babies?

Me: Yeah, less than a year.

Him: But how? You couldn't change his diaper!

Me: Um, sure I could.

Him: But he has a thingy! You would have seen it! (seriously, that statement is verbatim)

Me: Well, yeah, but he was a baby.

Him: There is this video on Youtube of a mother showing how to change a diaper.

Me: Oh yeah?

Him: Yeah, she uses her son and films what to do.

Me: Well thats a great idea. I think a lot of people might not know how to do that and could use the help.

Him: You should see the comments people leave. They think it is wrong.

Me: Why would it be wrong?

Him: Well..... she..... she lifts his thingy and cleans it!

Me: Yeah, thats what you have to do. You can't let it stay dirty.

Him: But you didn't do that when you changed diapers.

Me: Yes, I did. Thats what you have to do. They're not old enough to take care of themselves.

Him: [weird silence]

Him: You know touching the thingy of someone your own age can be kind of fun, though.

Me: [startled silence]

Him: What? [he got right in my face] what did you say?

Me: I didn't.... I didn't say anything.

Him: But it COULD be fun, if he is older, right?

Me: I... don't know?

Him: Oh never mind. You don't understand.

He walked away then and I realized "Oh my god, he was trying to ask me for I handjob, I think."