Gay Leather Night

So, just in case we all weren't aware, I am a girl. One with fairly large breasts and an ass and hips - all those secondary sex characteristics that make 90% of society able to correctly identify the gender of the human being they are looking at.

So, last Thursday, I was booked to dance at a queer leather dance night. And you know what? I had no business being there.

First off, what does a girl who has a closet full of 60s dressed and befringed costumes wear to a leather party? Honestly, I don't know. I know the horrible 70s stereotypes and I happen to have a gay roommate who has played that stereotype so with some guidance (and accessories) from him here is where I ended up:

Right? Maybe? I don't know.

But here is the thing. I want you to close your eyes and think about the advertising that went in to gay leather night at my bar. Now I want you to guess who came. Now I want you to think about how awkward it was when these men came to see the go go dancer on gay leather night and there I am, dancing to remixes of the Spice Girls on my box, all boobs and X chromosomes.

eesh.

So eventually 2 male go go dancers DID show up. Let's talk about that. We are always cautioned when buying/making/putting on costumes that we CANNOT look like a strip club dancer. We need to always have fishnets on - no bare legs. We must look retro and classy and sexy. And I am fine with that, don't get me wrong. But I do wonder what could be when I know I make more money in fringy bras rather than dresses or disco pants.

And then these male dancers show up, literally wearing nothing more than some banana hammocks and baby oil. And they have BUCKETS for their tip jars, since they physically couldn't keep all the dollars stuffed into their crotches in said crotch and needed to dump it out. 

Now why is that ok? Listen, I don't want people shoving money in my crotch. But I do think it is curious that the reputation of the bar stems solely at how properly dressed the female dancers are but the dudes can stand outside smoking in a thong and that's just business as usual.

It was a super awkward night. I danced for about 3 solid hours before I made my one (and only) tip of the night, and it was from the DJ who I am pretty sure felt bad for me.

The next day I asked about the situation: why on earth was there a girl dancer at all? Because we didn't want to "alienate the straight customer"

boo to that.

Ode to a drunk 'Bro'

So the other day I am dancing at the bar. Its a slow night and the music sorta sucks (seriously, don't get me started on shitty "DJs" that spin crap no one can dance to).

So I am wearing a cute enough costume:

it is late, my shift is almost done, and there exactly 3 guys left sitting at the bar. They are "bros" which are essentially as annoying as frat guys, except that they are too old to still be in college which makes it even more sad.

The one guy comes up to my box and starts talking to me. Except there is a speaker in my ear and I can't really hear him.

Him: #@*&)$DDFJS*#$
Me: what?
Him:(*^@$()*# (he makes some weird arm movements)
Me: What?
Him: (he rolls his eyes and speaks slowly but I still can't hear him) *(&#%*BD&*(
Me: It. Is. Loud. You. Need. To Speak. Up.
Him: You need to move your arms more. Do different moves. You've been doing the same thing for an hour.
Me: *laugh* yeah, I know, and the DJ has been playing the same song for an hour, it seems like.
Him: No. It's not like it is that hard. You just have to dance, like this: (he shows me some really jerky and awkward dance moves). I mean, you really suck at your job.
Me: Well, you know, its the end of the night, so yeah. Maybe I do.
Him: You do. You're not even really hot enough to be a gogo dancer.
Me:..... ok. Well, thanks for that.
Him: When do you get off?
Me: 2am. After the bar closes.
Him: And then you're going to come party with us!

So at this point, the other dancer comes over. I tell her that I need to end a few moments early and I get down off my box and start the leave the bar. The guy comes over and tries to slide his hand around my waist. "where are we going to go party?" although really, it was more like "wurwegunnagoperty"

I quickly sidestep and tell him I'll be right back. And I run away.

But I mean really, you come up to my face, mock me, tell me I suck at my job and that I am ugly and then TRY TO HIT ON ME?

Hipsters Don't Tip

Have I mentioned how much I hate hipsters? Real Job™ is in a hipster neighborhood and sometimes I just want to bitch slap this overgrown children who come in and demand their money back for a plant they bought that died, because they "went away to a musical festival for 2 weeks and no one said explicitly that a plant needs to be watered more than once every 2 weeks when we are having a horrific drought and 100+ degree weeks." I mean, how do you get up in the morning and fix your own breakfast and not set yourself on fire?

But, you know, customer service with a smile and all that. So I let it go.

But the go go bar I work at has become a hipster haunt. Do you know how much that sucks? It sucks because hipsters don't tip. And I know that any tip based worker will say that X group of people don't tip, but hipsters really take the cake. Why? Because they should know better. Because 99% of hipsters that come into the bar work in the service industry and they KNOW how much is sucks to work your ass off and not get a tip. Or maybe they don't, because working hard isn't cool or ironic enough, which is why you usually get shitty service when you go to restaurants or cafes that are staffed by hipsters. But  I still tip, regardless.

But I am sick of working 4 hours, in heels, shaking my ass for groups of bar goers who do nothing but watch, make comments, or in the case of the girls mock me who do nothing but drink the cheapest shittiest beer and then walk out without so much as a dollar in my jar. I mean, the fact is, if you are watching the show, you should pay me for it. I understand that some people aren't really interested in the gogo show, and thats fine with me. But if you are going to let you drunk girlfriend shout obscene comments at me, you are obviously paying attention.

I guess what I am saying is, while I used to be the dancer with the lowest tip night ($4 in 4 hours) one of the other girls told me this past weekend that she actually brought home $2 from a 4 hour shift. And that sucks. At least at an actual strip club the customers can't just sit and watch for 4 solid hours without tipping. Large scary men will ask them to leave. As they should.